Child of our Time: Alison Lapper

by Emma Bowler

For those of you not familiar with the series Child of our Time, it all began when the BBC followed the birth of 25 babies born in the new millennium.

The idea behind the series is to follow the families as their children grow up. It uses a fascinating mix of observational filming, interviews and experiments to help us learn more about child development.

Parys Lapper is one of the babies featured in this 20-year project. His mother Alison, an artist who was born with no arms and shortened legs, participates in the series on an equal basis to the other families featured.

The filming commitment for those involved in the series is considerable because all of the families take part in all the experiments, even if they are not included in the programme. This can mean being filmed as often as every 3 weeks. So why did Alison sign up for this? "I did it because I felt I had something to prove, because there were so many people saying you shouldn't have a baby, you're a single mum, you've got a disability. The usual stuff. If it's televised I can't hide behind anything and it's there for the world to see."

But does Alison worry that when Parys is shown misbehaving, people will attribute his behaviour to her being a disabled mum rather than him being a toddler and just doing what toddlers do naturally? "Yeah, totally! If your child is misbehaving when you take them to playschool or wherever, you feel embarrassed. Every child does it, but because you are a disabled mother you think that people assume you can't cope."

However, during the course of the programme Alison is shown to be far from failing to cope, as we see her set to work on the issue of discipline. Although the programme makes it look like Parys is transformed in a few minutes, the reality was quite different. "It took months and months of hard work for both of us! I had to work on my tone of voice, and instead of saying no to him all the time I would distract him with something else."

But the path to Parys becoming a well-behaved toddler hasn't always been so smooth, and during such moments Alison found her involvement in the series to be immensely helpful. "There was a time when I was having quite a few problems with his behaviour and feeling guilty because I wasn't able to do lots for him. The BBC sent us to the Anna Freud Centre in London and they were fantastic; they stopped me feeling guilty, helped me with discipline and showed me different ways of doing things."

Working out different ways of doing things is a vital part of being a disabled parent and Alison is confident that her way is working. "The way I do things is probably kinder, because he never gets really shouted out, never gets hit; I just do it all by the tone of my voice and from that he knows where he stands." Indeed, she's found that trying to do things in the same way as non-disabled parents sometimes just doesn't work with Parys. "I can't run after Parys, and when people were running after him he thought it was a game. So I'd say to him 'we're not running after you' and he'd stop in his tracks!"

But doing things differently means being determined. "When you see him playing up at that playschool, people tut or give me dirty looks. But I'm thinking: what do you want me to do? I can't go and pick him up. He's had to learn that if I say no I mean it. That was all part of my voice control training with Parys. It was really hard, but I had to stick with it and it was a battle of wills. He's really stubborn - like his mother!"

Alison's determination pays off, and we see them participate in an experiment where she has to prevent Parys from touching certain toys in a room. Alison manages to do this by distraction. As part of the experiment the phone then rings, and what's interesting is that Parys answers it - unlike the other children taking part. Does Alison worry that people will construe this as Parys doing things for her? "I don't mind because I haven't made him do it; he does it instinctively. He's just got it into his head that Mummy needs help. As long as it doesn't become a burden to him - and it certainly wouldn't through anything I do because I'm so aware that he's got his own life to lead and he's not here to be my carer."

At the end of the programme we are told that Alison is going to try something she's never done before - and brief ideas of skydiving or flying a plane spring to mind. In fact, her task is to get Parys out of the car on her own. It was a pivotal moment for Alison. "I felt like a complete mother because I was doing something for him on my own. I'd always had to have people with me until that point. Now I can take him out by myself, we can go and do things, go to the shops, go out to lunch or whatever."

These turning points give Alison optimism about the future. "As he gets older I'm going to get more independent with him and be able to do more for him, which is a really nice feeling. Being a disabled mum you're very beholden to other people, and as he gets older that will become less and less apparent." Alison often talks about key moments in the future - like when Parys starts school with a mum who's 3ft 11ins, or his tempestuous teenage years - but she's hopeful that they'll sail through those milestones by having a close relationship.

In the coming year the programme will follow how their relationship develops, and key moments in Parys' life such as further speech development, starting playschool proper and increasing independence. Alison predicts that the series could also start to highlight issues that more often affect disabled parents, such as contact with social services. "They've threatened me three times now when I've had no care for Parys - on one occasion it was because I had to sack an au pair because she was smacking him. If I was an able-bodied mother they wouldn't do this."

You can't help thinking that Alison's resilience will see her through any such negative moments, and when you compare her to other parents in the series she's not doing a bad job at all! "You can see everyone has got their problems, regardless of where they are from or who they are. I look at the programme and I think I'm actually doing alright, and that boosts my confidence! Having Parys has totally fulfilled my life; I look at him now and think Wow!"

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